


독 : Fear

by always happier (traumstille)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, Hong Jisoo | Joshua & Yoon Jeonghan Are Best Friends, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, commitment issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 15:00:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21412087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traumstille/pseuds/always%20happier
Summary: For most of his life Joshua has thought that the chances of him falling in love are about as high as the chances of him getting abducted by aliens.He doesn't get abducted by aliens, disappointingly, but he does meet Seungcheol and that changes his life nearly as dramatically as an alien encounter probably would have.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Hong Jisoo | Joshua
Comments: 4
Kudos: 58





	독 : Fear

**Author's Note:**

  * For [loserpcy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/loserpcy/gifts).

> First of all, Happy (belated) Birthday M! I'm sorry this took longer than I expected, but I hope you can forgive me. I love you the most and want to say thank you for always being there for me. 
> 
> I have to say that I'm not completely happy with this one, but it won't get better from sitting in my drafts forever so I hope you can accept this word vomit and won't judge it too harshly. This is the first thing I've written in over six months and it's been a struggle!

“What do you mean, ‘I told him I’m not interested in a relationship’?” Jeonghan asks, looking at him in disbelief. Judging by his violently twitching left eyelid he’s reached a solid 7.5 on the _I can’t deal with this bullshit anymore_ scale and that’s quite telling considering Jeonghan might be the most patient person in the world (exhibit A for that being the fact that they’re currently surrounded by 25 screaming first-graders who Jeonghan has to watch during recess, exhibit B the fact that he sacrifices his lunch breaks to listen to his disaster of a best friend’s reports about fucking up his life).

“I don’t know,” he whines, looking away because he’s physically unable to look at Jeonghan when he’s mad at him. “It’s for the better.”

Jeonghan throws him another disapproving look before turning his attention back on the children that have gotten into some kind of argument while playing catch. He seems to evaluate the situation for a second before ultimately deciding it’s not worth stepping in and fulfilling his teacher duties yet.

“I honestly don’t know what to say to you.” Jeonghan runs a hand through his hair and pulls at it exasperatedly and Joshua _knows_ he’ll be the reason for Jeonghan prematurely balding. That or the fact that he had a phase in college during which he’d tried to convince everyone that he was actually a natural blond. “I thought you like him?”

He shrugs hesitantly, he’s not sure if it even matters anymore. “I wish I’d never met him, this is all so fucked up.”

Jeonghan glares at him exasperatedly for cursing, but Joshua feels like five is an appropriate age to learn that the world is indeed an entirely fucked up place because assholes like him exist. He should’ve seen this coming and stopped it before he hurt Seungcheol, but he was a selfish little bastard and just couldn’t stop seeing him and now he’s fucked it up like he always does.

“I feel horrible for leading him on, he doesn’t deserve this,” he admits quietly. He wonders how Seungcheol is doing right now and hopes it’s better than he is. Joshua can’t remember having ever felt as disgusting as he has ever since last week. 

“You’re right, he doesn’t,” Jeonghan agrees. “But you can’t take back what has already happened, so what are you going to do now?”

“I—just don’t know anymore.” He shrugs and averts his eyes to watch the playing children and wishes he could go back to a time where all he had to worry about was doing his homework and making sure to be good for his mom.

☐☐☐ 

He meets him in late August after having spent entirely too much of his vacation eating a variety of takeout pizza, chips and those disgustingly sweet ice lollies. He’s not 16 anymore and his body likes to remind him of that fact by putting on weight whenever he decides to skip going to the gym for more than a week.

After having avoided coming anywhere near said gym for an embarrassingly long time, he finally decides to drag himself there on Saturday morning. It’s not like he doesn’t enjoy working out, there are just about a hundred things he’d rather do than sharing a space with about 25 other sweating people in an establishment he pays entirely too much money for considering how irregularly he goes there. 

He’s somewhat successfully acting as if he isn’t about to go into cardiac arrest on the treadmill (he so should’ve done more than just lie on the sofa for three weeks) when he sees him for the first time and his brain shot-circuits to a continuous loop of _hot, hot, hot_. To his defense, the out of this world attractive stranger that has just walked into his field of vision is wearing a pair of shorts that show off his beefy thighs in the best way possible and has opted for a muscle shirt on top of that.

For a minute Joshua isn’t sure whether to feel insecurely jealous or downright appreciative of the man in front of him. All he can say is that running suddenly becomes a lot easier, now that he has something interesting to look at. (That something being the way his shorts stretch over his ass every time he squats down, the muscles in his thighs straining in the most breathtaking way.)

Sometime through his third rep of squats the stranger catches him staring at his ass through the mirror and Joshua frantically tries to avert his eyes to save the last bit of his dignity. A few minutes later he gets caught again (fuck that stranger and his unnaturally big ass, it can’t be real because, to be quite frank, Joshua has studied his ass for the past five minutes and there’s no way it’s actually naturally this perky). He doesn’t know what he expects to happen next but it’s definitely not the stranger grinning at him through the mirror, showing off unfairly handsome dimples before _winking_ at him. 

They make out in the changing room not even half an hour later and Joshua thinks that it should be really fucking disgusting to shove his tongue down this man’s throat while they’re both still dripping in sweat and he doesn’t even know his name yet, but it just isn’t. Instead it’s unbelievably hot, gets even hotter when unnamed stranger lets out a downright dirty sound that goes straight to his dick when Joshua gently nips at his bottom lip while letting his hands wander to the swell of unnamed stranger’s ass to find out it’s definitely very much not fake. And Joshua thinks he’d really like to fuck this man just about now, but then he remembers that they’re in the changing room of a gym he pays way too much money for and someone could walk in any minute. 

“Fuck, we should probably stop,” he pants after breaking away, staring at the man in front of him. His hair is messed up in the most devastatingly handsome way, his pupils are blown and there’s a blush high on his cheeks. He looks thoroughly debauched. Joshua is so fucking _horny_.

“Probably,” unnamed stranger agrees, a little out of breath himself and Joshua realizes that this is only the second thing he’s said to him after ‘Hey, wanna get out of here?’. He has an objectively nice voice. “I’m Seungcheol,” he says, extending his hand for Joshua to shake.

He reaches for it, pleasantly surprised by the strength of the handshake. “Joshua,” he says, trying hard to not grin at the awkwardness of it all. 

“So.” Seungcheol reaches for his water bottle and takes a swig out of it. “You new here? I don’t think I’ve seen you around before.”

Joshua can’t believe they’re actually making casual conversation after he just barely stopped himself from dry-humping Seungcheol, but he’s never been opposed to going with the flow.

Joshua reaches for his own bottle. “Ah, let’s just say I’m not a regular,” he grins, running a hand through the strands of hair that are falling into his eyes (he really needs to get that cut). “Mainly come here after vacations and any holiday that requires me to go home and allow my mom to force-feed me.”

Seungcheol laughs at that, the dimples Joshua had discovered earlier showing themselves on his cheeks again. “Sounds like you could use a workout buddy to motivate you.”

Joshua chuckles lightly before taking another sip of water, he can feel Seungcheol’s eyes on him when he swallows. “Are you offering?” 

He shrugs and sends a charming smile his way that makes Joshua question how a person can look so hot and so handsome at the same time. “I’m not opposed to the idea, but I might demand payment in return, my time is precious.”

“I bet it is. Give me your number and we can discuss the details of how I’m going to repay you later,” he grins suggestively.

Seungcheol laughs and reaches for his phone. “Sounds good to me.”

☐☐☐ 

“Ah, come one, Josh, I know you can do better than that,” Seungcheol accuses him when he tries taking a break from doing lunges (he’ll never make fun of people in the gym ever again, this is _torture_, his legs feel like jelly and Seungcheol wants him to do another rep, this is definitely not how he expected this to go. He’d thought they’d pretend to work out for a little while and then end up in the changing room (or preferably someone’s apartment) again, fucking out the weird sexual tension between them. Seungcheol however seems to have actually meant it when he suggested working out together, something Joshua definitely wasn’t prepared for, the last time he seriously did sports was in college!)

“Fuck you, I’m trying my hardest!” he whines, trying to catch his breath while also making his cheeks lose the embarrassing tone of red (he can see himself in the mirror and he does _not_ look cute at all, no wonder Seungcheol seems to be entirely uninterested in any below the belt business). 

“You aren’t though, you can still talk back,” he retorts with a grin. “So—again, five more, I know you can do it.”

And Seungcheol turns out to be right. He might feel like he won’t ever be able to walk again after he’s done, but he does it. He just hopes he’ll end up with an ass at least as great as Seungcheol’s because otherwise this definitely isn’t worth it.

Joshua thinks it should be weirder than it is to spend this time with Seungcheol like this considering how their first meeting went, but working out with Seungcheol is fun and surprisingly easy (when he’s not trying to fucking kill him). Seungcheol also seems to know a heck of a lot about all the gym equipment Joshua had previously been too scared to try out in fear of embarrassing himself.

The mood between them still is a bit weird, but that can’t be helped, he guesses, considering he’s had his hands on Seungcheol’s ass just last week. They get over it pretty fast though while taking about work (Seungcheol works in IT, Joshua finds out while they do their cooling down stretches (something Joshua definitely hasn’t heard of before), he has a dog named Princess (which Joshua judges him for profusely), he moved to the city after college because of work and well, he really enjoys working out).

The entire time they’re toying the line between playful flirting and just having a fun time and Joshua doesn’t mind it. He can wait for Seungcheol to make a move or accept it if he doesn’t again.

“So,” Seungcheol says after they’re both out of the changing rooms and less smelly. “What’s my rating as a workout buddy? Did I do a good job.”

Joshua grins, adjusting his shirt a little. He’s glad the dress code at the office isn’t as strict as it seems to be for Seungcheol who’s in dress pants and a button down (which Joshua doesn’t mind that much if he’s being honest, it looks _great_ on him). “Well, I’m not so sure about that. I think I might need a few more sessions before I can fairly judge your performance here.”

“I see,” he laughs, his entire face radiating warmth. “I wouldn’t be opposed to repeating this another time.”

“As long as I’ll still be able to walk the next time,” Joshua pouts. To be fair, his legs do feel like jelly and he isn’t sure how he’ll make it up the stairs to his apartment later.

“Oh, I’ll make sure you won’t be able to walk once I’m done with you.” His laugh afterwards is the only reason Joshua doesn’t tell him he wouldn’t mind that all that much.

“Sounds horrible, let’s do it! How often do you come here? I think I should probably adjust to your schedule.” 

“Um, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays usually, but I could text you in case something comes up,” he suggests. 

“I don’t think I’ll be able to haul myself out of bed this early on Saturday mornings, but Tuesday and Thursday sounds good? Seven again?”

Seungcheol nods. “I like getting it done with early.”

“Great,” Joshua smiles widely, he can’t quite believe yet that it’s actually going to be this easy. He’s usually a hell of a lot more awkward with new people. “See you on Thursday then? Maybe I can get you a coffee afterwards if you step your game up a little.”

“Sounds good, I’ll take you up on that,” he laughs brightly. “See you!”

“Yeah, see you,” he replies with a smile, watching Seungcheol walk to his car.

Joshua waits another moment before also getting ready to leave. He isn’t quite sure where this whole thing is going and what he’s going to get out of it, but he can’t find himself to care. It’s either going to be an exceptionally good fuck or a new friendship with a really nice guy and both of these options sound absolutely fine to him.

☐☐☐ 

“So,” Seungcheol says, still a little out of breath from benching weights so heavy Joshua would probably have trouble picking them up at all (seriously, he is more than just a little worried about Seungcheol’s safety, but also weirdly turned on by the whole thing). “What are your plans for the weekend?”

Joshua smiles, or well, tries to smile, it’s a little hard when you feel like your hamstrings are about to tear (Seungcheol has forced him to start stretching before and after workouts and it _hurts_). “Aw, wanna hang out again? Do you miss me so much when we don’t see each other for a few days?” Over the last few weeks he’s seen Seungcheol a lot more than just at the gym, it’s easy to talk with him, even easier to have a good time together and so they end up making plans together more times than not.

Seungcheol pouts before slapping his arm. “Shut up, asshole, I was just trying to be nice. I know that’s a foreign concept to you, but you should try it some day.”

Joshua takes another deep breath, leaning into the stretch a little more before finally throwing himself on the gym floor which is probably an extremely unhygienic thing to do, but he honestly couldn’t care less, he’s _tired_ and it’s not even nine in the morning. “Water,” he groans, stretching out his abs. His shirt rides up a little in the process and Seungcheol most definitely steals a glance. Joshua has to bite his lip to stop himself from grinning like a fucking idiot.

“I’m not your maid,” Seungcheol complains after a moment before promptly handing him his water bottle. “Sit up, you can’t drink like that, you’ll choke.” It’s cute when he worries about him. 

“And then you’d have to put your CPR skills to the test and no one wants that,” he grins, but does sit up again to down half of the bottle in one go (much to Seungcheol’s dismay, because that’s definitely something he’d told Joshua not to do).

“You wish, I’d just let you die, that would finally put me out of my misery.”

“Aw, don’t say that Cheollie, you love me!” Joshua pouts obnoxiously and it’s fine until he realizes that Seuncheol’s ears are turning red and the flush on his cheeks that had started to disappear is back. It does something to his insides that’s only comparable to the feeling he gets when he sees a spider in the corner of his bedroom (meaning he wants to flee the room and never return, or well, just vacuum it up, but Seungcheol might be a little too big for that).

“I’m going out with a few friends on Friday,” he says finally, just to say _something_ to escape this horrifyingly awkward moment. “That’s my plans for the weekend.” And then, in a streak of absolute stupidity, he adds, “You should come if you don’t have plans, none of them would mind.”

Seungcheol seems to get pulled out of his own thoughts by that, looking a bit surprised, lips parted and puppy eyes and all that, objectively _very_ adorable. “Oh, yeah sure why not, if they don’t mind. I don’t have plans yet.”

And that’s how he finds himself in front of the bar they usually meet at (the one that’s relatively close to Jeonghan’s because he _will_ get plastered and regret it the next morning). It’s a nice bar, to be honest, not as loud as the ones he would’ve frequented during his college days, but still bouncing with that certain type of energy.

Seungcheol looks amazing, standing in front of him in a tight-fitted button down and the same black skinny jeans he wore the last time they went out, the ones that make his ass look even bigger than it actually is. Joshua thinks it’s definitely god’s way of punishing him for whatever fucked up shit he’s done in the past week (there’s a lot to pick from, so he can’t be quite sure what exactly it is that god has decided is deserving of seeing Seungcheol in those jeans for an entire night _again_, but he digresses). 

“I wanna say they’re all nice people and you have nothing to worry about, but they’re my friends so that should probably be enough of an indicator for what you’re about to experience,” Joshua explains as they make their way into the bar. The others came a little earlier and made sure to secure a table closer to the back, away from the door because Jeonghan is sensitive to the cold and yeah— it’s a whole story.

Seungcheol chuckles and Joshua isn’t sure if it’s an amused or nervous one, just that it sounds _very_ cute, like nearly every sound Seungcheol makes. And that is a _disgusting_ thought that should have never, ever been allowed to be produced by his brain. “All right, I’ll keep that in mind.” He slips through the door that Joshua holds open for him. 

“This way,” he explains, smiling at Seungcheol while still trying to communicate to his brain to please never have any thoughts of that nature ever again.

He can see the others watching them as soon as they’re inside and inwardly sighs. He has told Jeonghan about Seungcheol, of course he has because he tells him absolutely everything, no matter how insignificant it might be, but Jeonghan still raised his eyebrows and looked at him funny when he told him Seungcheol would join them. Joshua isn’t usually one to make friends that easily, so he understands Jeonghan’s surprise.

Seokmin, Wonwoo and Mingyu are already at the table, meaning that Seungcheol and he are the last to arrive. They wave at them when they spot him and Jeonghan gets up. He knows exactly what’s going to happen next. 

“You must be Seungcheol,” Jeonghan says, a predatory grin on his face when he reaches them. “I’m Jeonghan, it’s _so_ nice to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you.” Which is a total lie, he’s talked about Seungcheol maybe three or four times. 

Joshua tries to communicate with his eyes exactly _how_ he’s going to kill Jeonghan after all of this is over (quarter him with a rusty kitchen knife so it’s particularly painful before throwing his body into a pond full of piranhas) and he knows Jeonghan understands because his grin gets the tiniest bit wider before he completely turns his attention to Seungcheol who seems to be trying hard to not show how overwhelmed he is. 

“Hi, yeah, nice to meet you, too” he replies, eyes just a tad bit wider than they usually are and although it’s very adorable (can his brain stop thinking, please?) Joshua kind of feels sorry for him. His friends are a lot for anyone to take in.

“I told you to behave,” he hisses into Jeonghan’s ear while the others three greet Seungcheol, making space for him at the table. 

Jeonghan rolls his eyes and doesn’t stop grinning before slipping into the space next to Seungcheol which means Joshua finds himself sitting next to Mingyu while watching them from across the table. Seungcheol warms up a lot after his first beer, he talks animatedly with Wonwoo about a TV show Joshua has never watched and to his absolute horror he and Jeonghan seem to get along like a house on fire. 

It might have to do with the fact that both of them are questionably drunk while he’s still nursing his second beer because he promised Jeonghan he’d drive tonight. He doesn’t really mind being the only sober one. It means he can watch Seungcheol and realize that his cheeks turn gradually more pink with every drink. He seems to be a happy drunk, similar to Jeonghan, and it’s entirely too entertaining to see them giggling to themselves every two minutes. 

When Jeonghan and Mingyu go outside to smoke (something Joshua is judging fiercely, but arguing with Jeonghan about it is something he’s given up a long time ago, especially because Jeonghan only ever smokes when they go out) Seungcheol slips into the free space next to him.

He’s radiating heat, smiling brightly and overall just seems so happy, “Hey,” he breathes, scooting in closer until their thighs touch. 

“Hi,” Joshua grins. He looks at their thighs for a second until Seungcheol’s head lands on his shoulder. “Are you having a good time?”

“Hmm,” he mumbles, closing his eyes momentarily. “Your friends are fun,” he giggles, “But I think I’m very drunk right now.”

“Yeah, I think you might be onto something there,” Joshua chuckles and pats his back. He can feel his muscles tensing under his hands. Seungcheol has such a broad back, so defined, too.

“You smell good,” Seungcheol mumbles, nuzzling his face into his neck. “I like it.” 

He’s pretty sure sober Seungcheol wouldn’t do this, so he gently pushes him away. He wants Seungcheol as much as he did the first time he saw him, but he’s never been okay with doing shit with someone too drunk to remember the next day. He also isn’t really sure what Seungcheol wants, they haven’t talked about their first encounter ever since it happened so Joshua had just assumed that it would be something they would ignore for the sake of their blooming friendship (not that he hasn’t hooked up with friends before, but he usually isn’t a fan of keeping hookups in his life very long, it never seems to work out). He honestly wasn’t that mad about it until now, kissing Seungcheol had been nice, but being his friend is something he enjoys just as much. Seungcheol is fun to be around and although fucking him is something Joshua _really_ wouldn’t say no to, being friends with him might be even better.  
He isn’t sure how Seungcheol thinks about any of this though and he realizes that maybe he should’ve asked him before inviting him, because as much as it was clear to him that this is just a fun time between friends, he can’t be sure about what Seungcheol thinks. 

“Thank you,” he replies, mouth curving into a fond smile. “You don’t smell all that bad yourself.”

Seungcheol seems to be happy about that and leans his head back on his shoulder. “I’m having fun, thank you for inviting me.”

“I’m glad and I’m also glad you’re here.”

“Shua! You stole my seatmate,” Jeonghan exclaims dramatically the second he’s back at the table. He’s pouting at the two of them before sitting down in Seungcheol’s old seat. 

“I didn’t steal him, Hani, he came to me because he’s had enough of you.”

“As if,” he says, kicking him under the table.

Seungcheol laughs loudly when he groans in pain but promises to kiss it better after Jeonghan convinces him it’d be a good idea. Seconds later he crawls under the table and gently caresses Joshua’s shin (the wrong one, but it’s the effort that counts). 

They stay at the bar for two more hours before Seokmin says he wants to leave and they decide to go with him. Joshua isn’t too sad about it if he’s being honest, he’s fully sober at this point.

Seokmin, Wonwoo and Mingyu leave together in an Uber as they all live close together. Joshua calls one for Seungcheol and they wait outside for it to arrive, Jeonghan standing next to them and happily humming the theme song of one of the animes he sometimes watches.

“It’s so fucking cold,” Joshua complains through gritted teeth, pulling his coat a little closer. He’s from LA, he wasn’t made to live through actual winters, one of the many questionable life choices he has made is moving here. 

“Come here, I’ll warm you up,” Seungcheol teases, opening his arms wide for Joshua. 

“Oh! Me too, me too,” Jeonghan whines, pushing Joshua out of the way. He laughs, he didn’t even plan on taking Seungcheol up on the offer. “Come here, Shua, cuddle with us!” he giggles.

“You’re really something else,” he says dryly but does end up joining them. It’s surprisingly nice, he does feel a bit warmer almost immediately and Seungcheol’s hand soothingly running over his back makes him feel some kind of way. 

“There we go,” he murmurs, smiling at Joshua. 

The cab arrives a few minutes later and Joshua finds that he wouldn’t have minded staying huddled together a little longer, something akin to disappointment flashes through him when Seungcheol pulls away.

“Thank you again for tonight,” he says, voice soft with something Joshua can’t quite pinpoint. He turns to Jeonghan and grins. “We should do this again sometime, it was nice meeting you.”

“Definitely!” Jeonghan agrees. “And by all means, please keep torturing Shua in the gym, this must be the first time in his life he has something that comes close to being described as an ass.” He cackles loudly when Joshua slaps his arm and complains loudly.

“Will do,” Seungcheol promises. He sends Joshua another indecipherable smile, dimples showing. “See you soon, get home safely.”

Something in Joshua’s gut twists at the way he’s so gentle with him. “You too,” he mumbles, finding it hard not to return the smile. He stares after the car for way too long trying to make sense of his feelings until Jeonghan gently pulls at his sleeve, whining about wanting to go home. 

“He’s really nice, Shua,” Jeonghan mumbles into his neck (definitely drooling all over him) while Joshua tries to unlock his door a little later. “You should keep him, you deserve it.” 

He sighs when if finally opens. “You need to go to sleep, you’re not making any sense.”

For someone _so_ drunk Jeonghan is still exceptionally good at giving Joshua a once-over and rolling his eyes dramatically. “You’re being so dense again,” he whines, kicking off his shoes and wandering off to the couch before Joshua can steer him into the direction of his bedroom. 

“Come on, Hani, not the sofa, that’s gonna hurt your back,” he tries to reason, which is objectively stupid. You can’t reason with drunk Jeonghan. You can’t reason with sober Jeonghan either, but that’s besides the point.

He fetches a glass of water from the kitchen and sets it down on the table next to the sofa. “Here, drink this.” He watches as Jeonghan downs the water and wonders if things will always stay like this, if he’ll still have to take care of his drunk best friend in ten years or if Jeonghan will have a family by then, kids he’ll have to watch at night, a wife to come home to. He abandons that thought pretty quickly, it makes him feel weird.

Jeonghan finishes the glass and promptly falls back onto the sofa, sighing contently. 

“Are you sure you don’t wanna go to bed? You’ll regret this tomorrow morning,” he tries once again. 

Jeonghan ignores him completely in favour of pulling his favourite blanket over himself. “You should tell him, you know?” he mumbles. 

“Who?”

“Seungcheol. That you like him.” The words are slurred, but not enough to not understand what Jeonghan is insinuating. 

Joshua laughs nervously, running a hand through his hair while furiously trying to not start biting his nails. “I don’t like Seungcheol,” he explains, voice serious. “What—what makes you believe that?”

When he looks back at Jeonghan, he realizes that he’s fallen asleep, mouth slightly agape and snoring quietly. If the situation were any different, Joshua would take a video of this, because Jeonghan and he have had one too many arguments about who snores more. But he feels like he’s falling and it’s not the fun type of sensation you get on a rollercoaster, but the _jumping out of an airplane without a parachute and oh no, the ground is getting closer and I’m definitely going to die_ one. His hands shake when he closes the door to Jeonghan’s apartment behind himself and no matter how hard he tries to remember the breathing techniques he’s learned during college, he just can’t seem to follow them. He sits in his car for nearly ten minutes, trying to calm himself down before making the way home. 

It’s nearly five when he’s finally in bed. His thoughts are still escaping him and he can’t shake off the uneasiness he’s felt basically ever since he said goodbye to Seungcheol, but at the same time he feels better. He doesn’t _like_ Seungcheol, no matter what Jeonghan might think. He can’t like him because A) he’s Joshua Hong and he hasn’t _liked_ someone since eleventh grade and B) see point A). It’s absolutely stupid to ever even assume he’d like Seungcheol (or any person for that matter), that’s about as likely as Joshua getting abducted by aliens withing the next ten seconds.

He quietly counts to ten in his head and when the aliens don’t show up in his bedroom, he breathes a little easier.

☐☐☐ 

The amount of times Joshua visits Jeonghan at work during his lunch breaks directly correlates to the amount of fucked up his life is at any given point. He really needs to stop visiting so often. But Jeonghan deserves sacrificing his break time for him today, because it’s undoubtedly his fault (and his fault only!). Ever since he said what he said Joshua can’t _think_. Or well, he can think, he can think very long and hard about anything that stops him from thinking about what Jeonghan said and it’s exhausting and distracting and on top of that not working, proven by the fact that he’s now sitting next to Jeonghan because he needs to talk to someone before he goes absolutely insane in his office.

“Do you think it’s humanly possible for me to—you know, uh, l-word someone?” he asks, staring straight ahead and avoiding Jeonghan’s eyes at all cost. This is probably the most embarrassing thing he’s ever said to Jeonghan, and he’s said a _lot_ of embarrassing shit to him (like, a Lot with a capital L). Jeonghan has stayed his friend until now though so he just hopes that this isn’t the conversation that changes everything. 

“L-word?” Jeonghan asks and Joshua wants to punch him, probably would were they not surrounded by a hoard of first graders that he has to be a role model for. Jeonghan knows exactly what he means, he just likes seeing him suffer. Joshua’s pretty sure he’s a sadist, at least when it comes to enjoying Joshua Hong’s unfathomable degree of emotional constipation.

He clears his throat and really hopes he doesn’t look as red as he feels. He’s bruning up in his stupid winter coat, it’s only October, he should’ve dressed lighter. “You know which one I mean,” he whines. 

“Do I think you can love someone?” Jeonghan asks and Joshua does _not_ flinch when he hears that word, because he’s a grown man and has his shit together. “Of course you can,” he adds immediately after sensing Joshua’s discomfort. “You love your mom, right? And me! You definitely love me. The most!”

Joshua rolls his eyes. “Don’t be an asshole.”

Jeonghan sighs, his forehead creasing. “Where’s this coming from then?”

He shrugs. The truth is, he doesn’t really know. It’s not like this is the first time people have told him to just get over himself, to _try_ dating someone, tried setting him up with someone that he’d most definitely like (it hasn’t happened so far). He’s just never cared about it much before, but for some reason it’s different this time and it’s annoying and confusing and frustrating, because how dare Seungcheol Choi just do that to him, he isn’t even all That and still has Joshua wondering if it’s actually humanly possible for him to develop feelings for someone just to then immediately want to throw up in his mouth for being fucking embarrasing. 

Jeonghan stays silent for a moment, the screams and laughter of the kids are the only thing he can hear until he clears his throat. “Of course I think you can love someone, Shua.” He reaches for his hand and grabs it tightly and although he’s not usually someone to enjoy skinship all that much, it’s different when it’s Jeonghan. “I know you’re worried about it, but seriously, of course you can. And you deserve to be loved, too, just as much.”

He gives him a weak smile and swallows hard. 

“Listen, I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand why you’re so scared of it, but it should be an honor for anyone to be loved by you, understand?” 

“Thanks,” he mumbles, holding onto his hand a little tighter. He doesn’t deserve Jeonghan, he truly doesn’t. 

He smiles gently before letting go of his hand. “Love ya, but you know that.”

“I love you too, Hani.” He does love him (maybe the most, but he’ll never tell him that, he knows already, anyway), but it’s a different kind of love, built on years together, years during which Jeonghan dropped everything for him when he needed it and he did the same in return. He’s had nearly a decade to get to know him and learn how to trust him. When he was younger he always wanted a sibling, someone to make him feel less alone, someone to share the good and the bad stuff with. Sometimes he feels like Jeonghan has become that person. But it’s not the kind of love he’s worried about not being able to feel.

Jeonghan seems to understand that, though, without him even having to say anything. “Just take your time, I’m sure everything will work out just fine.” 

“You say that like I’m not a walking disaster,” he huffs.

“Ah,” he giggles, “I have trust in you.”

☐☐☐ 

Seungcheol and he discover that they both haven’t watched the new Star Wars movie while working out the next week after having a passionate discussion over which one is the best (obviously Episode IV, but Seungcheol doesn’t seem to be ready for that conversation yet) and decide to watch it together. It’s getting a little ridiculous how often they see each other nowadays, always finding things to do together after work or even on the weekends. Joshua has turned down Jeonghan more than once by now in favour of hanging out with Seungcheol, so much that he’s starting to feel a little bad about it, but he misses Seungcheol when he doesn’t see him, is reminded of him by the stupidest things and overall just can’t stop himself from thinking of him. Always.

It’s weird, strangely intense, but it’s most probably just the excitement of finding a new friend, someone he clicks with so well. The first months in a new friendship are always the most interesting, that time when you’re still getting to know each other, finding out new information about the other every single day. It’s what Joshua likes the most about friendship, the feeling of truly knowing someone and although he’s catastrophically bad at opening up himself, he does tend to get better at that after a few months with a person. 

They’re waiting in the outrageously long line for the ice cream at the cinema right now and Joshua watches Seungcheol closely, learns how his eyes twinkle in the artificial light and how it makes his skin glow in a weird green. He still looks beautiful, Joshua notes, and wonders in the same moment if it’s weird to think so. He’s not sure, but decides that there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging your friend is objectively attractive. He thinks about Jeonghan being unfairly pretty nearly every time he sees him and there definitely isn’t anything wrong with that. 

“You can’t tell me you actually think vanilla is the best ice cream flavour,” he argues, grabbing Seungcheol’s hand and shaking it, because he’s gotten that _so_ wrong.

“It’s a classic! Not everything has to be fancy and new.”

“Yeah, but come on, Seungcheol. Vanilla? It doesn’t get more bland than that, the least you can do is admit it.”

Seungcheol sighs, the adorable pout he makes whenever he feels wronged on his face. “I like vanilla, okay?” He grins teasingly. “And I like you as well, so my taste can’t be that bad.”

Joshua laughs at that, loud enough to get other people to look. He covers his mouth with a hand because he looks _dumb_ when he laughs. “That was so bad, oh my god. Does that shit usually work for you?”

Seungcheol’s eyes stay on him even when he leans back and crosses his arms. “Sometimes,” he admits with a smirk. “Was worth a shot.”

“Wow,” Joshua giggles. “Yeah, don’t do that again, I beg you.” He can’t help but feel affection bubble up in his chest when he watches a blush rise up on Seungcheol’s cheeks. He doesn’t understand how a grown man can end up looking _so_ adorable more times than not, it shouldn’t be allowed, he decides, because it’s messing with Joshua’s composure and that’s just not okay.

“Made you laugh though, so I count that as a win.”

“You’re such a sweet-talker, where did you learn that?”

“That’s for me to know and for you to find out,” he grins. “What’s your favourite ice cream flavour though? Do keep in mind that I’ll leave immediately if you say chocolate.”

“Ew, who would say chocolate? That’s nearly as bad as vanilla. I like lemon or—pistachio? Those are my favourites.”

“That’s so pretentious, I hope you know that,” Seungcheol declares disapprovingly. They move up a spot in the line and their hands touch when they step forward. Neither of them pulls back so they’re now standing next to each other playing handsies like fucking teenagers. The worst part is that Joshua doesn’t even feel embarrassed, a clear indicator that he’s in some deep shit.

“Let’s just get the damn ice cream,” he suggests, clearing his throat and moving away slightly, holding hands with Seungcheol somehow is just that little bit _too_ awkward. “I don’t think we’ll come to an agreement here.”

“You’re probably right about that.”

“When am I not right?” he asks, sticking out his tongue at Joshua like the adult he is.

“Just about any other time?” he retorts, also sticking out his tongue. Joshua really hopes the teenagers who are in line after them don’t judge them too hard. He knows he would’ve judged them for it, but again, he doesn’t really care, he’s just having a good time. It’s also their turn now which means he’s going to get ice cream and ice cream usually makes him forget anything, at least if it’s good.

“The movie starts soon and we should hurry up, but please note that we will have a discussion about this because I’m actually _always_ right and that’s the only acceptable answer.”

“You’re so annoying,” Seungcheol laughs fondly. “Take as many scoops as you want, I’m paying.”

“Oh my god, sexy, a sugar daddy.”

“Shut the fuck up,” he retorts, a smile tugging at his lips. “You’re way too old to be a sugar baby, I’m sorry to break it to you.”

“Are you age-shaming me, Seungcheol?” he asks scandalised. “Is that something you do? Bully people because of their age? Wow—I mean, wooow.”

“Just order already,” he groans, “You’re holding up the line.” 

The movie turns out to be decent, not as good as the old ones, they can both agree on that, but still pretty good. They walk to the parking lot together afterwards, stopping when they reach Joshua’s car. 

Seungcheol turns towards him, watching him for a second before pulling him into a hug and yeah, that’s different from what they usually do. “Tonight was nice,” he says quietly, absentmindedly running a hand up and down Joshua’s back, it’s the closest they’ve been ever since that night with Jeonghan and although it’s weird, Joshua has missed this, being this close to him. 

“It was,” he agrees, eyes flitting to Seungcheol’s lips when he bites them to suppress a smile.

“To be honest, it’s always nice to spend time with you,” he mumbles after a pause. They’re close enough for Joshua to feel his breath on his face. Every fiber in him aches to close the last bit of distance, an uncontrollable urge to kiss him that steals his breath because it’s so overwhelming and sudden. He wanted to kiss Seungcheol the first time he saw him, wanted to do a lot more with him, too, but it was never a _need_. It is now, he can’t think about anything else when he feels Seungcheol’s eyes wandering over his face, the corners of his lips lifting into a barely there smile. He looks at him with such fondness, something Joshua doesn’t think he’ll ever deserve.  
He thought not kissing Seungcheol is a fair price to pay for being his friend, he thought that if he had to pick between a hookup and friendship, he’d choose the friendship because Seungcheol is a great person, someone he loves being around. But now he isn’t sure anymore, nothing matters but getting his lips on Seungcheol.

When their lips meet it’s different from any other kiss Joshua has ever had. Usually kissing is intentional, needy, desperate with the urge to be _closer_. Sometimes kissing is lazy, laced with the deep satisfaction only an orgasm can give you.  
This isn’t really intentional, he’s just kissing Seungcheol because he wants to kiss him, because he wants to be close to him like this and because it feels really fucking nice. Their lips come together again and again, but Seungcheol doesn’t try to deepen it and somehow Joshua doesn’t either, just enjoys the softness of his lips, the way he feels so safe in Seungcheol’s arms. 

When they pull away eventually, he feels breathless for a very different reason than usual. His heart skitters in his chest when Seungcheol’s hand finds his cheek and his thumb caresses it gently. 

He’s at a loss for words, exhaling through his nose to stop himself from hysterically laughing because _what the fuck_. 

Seungcheol leans in one more time to kiss him, but it’s more of a peck than anything else. “Goodnight, Josh,” he whispers afterwards. “Text me when you get home?”

Joshua can’t do anything but nod weakly, he stumbles over his words when he replies, “You too.” 

Seungcheol sends him another beaming smile and squeezes his hand before turning around to walk to his own car. Only when he can’t see him anymore, Joshua finds it in himself to actually get into his car.

He considers calling Jeonghan for a second but ultimately decides he probably isn’t able to actually talk. His breathing is irregular and his heart is flying out of his chest. When he grabs the steering wheel his hands are shaking. 

He’s stupid, he’s so fucking stupid, he realizes once he’s calmed down a bit. His head hurts from the sudden clarity. He’s so, so fucked, beyond fucked because he _likes_ Seungcheol and he shouldn’t and he can’t but he still does.

☐☐☐ 

He isn’t a bad person. At least that’s what he’s trying to convince himself of when he types out _Hey, I don’t think I’ll be able to make it tmrw, sth came up at work, sorry!_ and sends it to Seungcheol immediately afterwards (before his stupid brain can convince him that this is a bad decision (which it isn’t! He’s thought about this the entire day and come to the conclusion that, for the benefit of everyone involved, it’s best for him to take a permanent break from seeing Seungcheol)).

The reply doesn’t come much later and when Joshua sees it he wants to bang his head against the wall hard enough to break through to the neighbors.

**Seungcheol (9:47PM)**  
_No worries!_  
_I had fun yesterday :) we should do that again sometime_  
_Sleep well ♡_

He doesn’t answer, mainly because he’s a huge fucking asshole, but also because he’s trying not to have a panic attack. When he tries to sleep he sees Seuncheol’s face whenever he closes his eyes and it freaks him out so much he ends up watching Annabelle just so he doesn’t end up popping an emotional boner while thinking about Seungcheol’s smile (it has _not_ happened before!). When he wakes up the next morning, he’s slept for less than two hours and he looks like it, too. He considers staying home, but that would entail more time to think about he who must not be named and yeah, he’s the first one at work.

He thinks about how he’d usually be working out with Seungcheol right now while checking his mails, thinks about how Seungcheol is probably feeling alone (he’d told him he has much more fun now that he’s partnering up with Joshua) while getting his coffee, just thinks about Seungcheol all the fucking time. And it just proves that what he’s doing is right because he needs to get over this weird addiction as soon as possible, before anything truly bad happens, but at the same time it sucks because he _misses_ him already and on top of that feels like absolute shit for just bailing on him.

He’s scrolled through a 10000 row excel spreadsheet for about two hours without having taken in any information when he gets a text from Seungcheol and he doesn’t want to look, it’s just that he wanted to text Jeonghan anyway and his finger slipped and opened his chat with Seungcheol.

**Seungcheol (10:11AM)**  
_Missed you today! Hope you have a great day at work_

He’s sent a selfie as well, his hair is still wet and curling a little at the ends, his cheeks are flushed, probably from exertion and he’s pouting at the camera and it does something to Joshua’s heart that nothing has ever done before. It scares him shitless, so much that his hands start shaking but he still can’t stop looking at the picture, although it’s very blurry now. Eventually he locks his phone and then decides that it’s better to turn it off completely.

He sits at his desk motionless for another five minutes before deciding that enough is enough. He’s not about to get his life ruined by some stupid fucking addiction to an admittedly attractive man, he’s not about that. They should’ve just fucked and never spoken again afterwards, but it’s too late for this kind of epiphany now, so he needs to sit his ass down and stop acting like a stupid child.

He stays at the office until everyone else is gone and then another two hours, anything to distract him from thinking about it all. It doesn’t really help, as soon as he gets into his car it feels like someone is sitting on his chest, making it hard to breathe and even harder to think about anything that doesn’t have to do with Seungcheol’s eyes or his smile or the way he makes him feel so light. 

He eventually has to turn his phone back on again to check if his mom has called him, which she hasn’t. Seungcheol has called him once though (they do talk on the phone sometimes after work, it’s nice because otherwise they’d both be alone at home and like this they can watch Netflix together and someone is actually listening to their movie critic level commentary that gets even better when they’ve had some wine). He’s sent a text as well. Joshua deliberates for a moment whether he should open it or not, but he’s a weak, weak creature and can’t stop himself.

**Seungcheol (6:28PM)**  
_Is everything okay?_

He sighs and throws his phone to the end of his bed where he can’t reach it. He knows he should just block his number and be done with it like he always does, but it’s Seungcheol and he just can’t bring himself to go through with it. It’s so fucked how he knows he’s doing the right thing but it’s still so unbearable. He’s _never_ found it this hard to ghost someone and he has never felt this guilty about it either. 

Seungcheol seems to get the message the next day after Joshua still hasn’t answered a single one of his texts (mainly because he left his phone at home when he went to work. He _knows_ he would’ve gotten weak otherwise, proven by the near mental-breakdown he had in the bathroom during lunch). 

**Seungcheol (9:43PM)**  
_Fine_

Joshua doesn’t go to the gym at all that week because he’s scared of meeting Seungcheol there and having to explain something he doesn’t understand himself. Instead he works late every single day, tries to avoid Jeonghan because he’d take one look at him and consequently beat his ass and tries not to wallow in self-pity.

He doesn’t get why he can’t stop _thinking_ about Seungcheol, why he keeps returning to staring at all of the selfies he’s sent him throughout the last months, why he can’t get a grip this time. Admittedly, he hasn’t _felt_ this way about someone in a long time, maybe ever, but it was never a problem before. He’s used to ghosting people and moving on, but he just can’t do it with Seungcheol. 

Seungcheol deserves better than a fucking fuck up of a man ghosting him because he’s scared of his feelings and that’s the only reason Joshua gathers up the courage to text him _Can we meet?_ after he’s had his fifth glass of wine on Sunday evening.

☐☐☐ 

He sits across from Seungcheol in the Starbucks next to Seungcheol’s work and tires not to fidget in his chair. He arrived a little early and has already stress-drank two coffees, now he’s nursing his third one. He blames his jitteriness on the coffee, not the fact that this might be the most uncomfortable situation he’s ever found himself in.

Seungcheol hasn’t said anything since the obligatory greeting which had been awkward with a capital A. He seems to be waiting for Joshua to say something first, letting the silence between them stretch out to the point of ridiculousness. He knows he’s supposed to say something, but he can’t figure out how to start.

“I’m, uh, I’m sorry for disappearing, kind of,” he confesses eventually, picking at his straw to have something to do to keep his hands busy. “That was really shitty of me and I’m very sorry about it.”

When he looks up he expects Seungcheol to stare him down, but he looks surprisingly calm still. “Okay,” he says eventually. “Thank you for apologizing.” 

Joshua nods slowly, taking another sip of his coffee, praying he won’t die from a caffeine overdose (if you can even die from that, he isn’t sure). He worries his bottom lip and hopes he doesn’t look as pathetic as he feels. “I—needed some time to think, I guess, but yeah, I should’ve told you and—” He shrugs, not really sure what to say, how to explain himself or if he’s even allowed to explain himself. 

Seungcheol exhales loudly before rubbing his eyes, looking terribly tired. “You know, if you’re not interested in seeing me, you could’ve just said so. I can deal with that just fine.” He sounds a little irritated, though he hides it well, and Joshua can’t blame him for it, but it doesn’t help calm down his nerves.

“I know.” He reaches for his coffee again, just to have something to hold onto. “That’s not really it, though.”

“So why didn’t you text back? Be honest, please.”

And Joshua tries to, he really does, but honesty has never come easily to him and that probably explains why he’s such a horrible human being, someone Seungcheol doesn’t deserve to have to keep up with. “After the last time we met I kind of, uh, got the feeling we want different things and I needed some time to figure out how to talk with you about it.” 

“Okay, I see,” he says, his forehead creasing. “What is it then that you want out of this?”

He doesn’t know the answer to that question, just knows what he’s supposed to say, what he’s said every other time in his life until now. “I think that we’re better off as friends but—uh, I got the impression that you want more than that.” 

“Oh.” Seungcheol smiles bitterly. “Yeah, you got that right, I think I made it quite obvious.”

Joshua tries to keep a straight face, but it’s hard when he feels this bad. He’s a fucking asshole. His chest tightens when he realizes that.

“I’m sorry if I interpreted that the wrong way then,” he carries on, looking absolutely unbothered, but Joshua knows him and knows he’s a little too calm to be okay with it. Knowing that he’s hurting Seungcheol with this somehow makes it all so much worse. “You should’ve told me though, I feel a little stupid right now,” he chuckles humorlessly. “I hope I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Oh no!” he exclaims way too fast, he’s not about to make Seungcheol believe he didn’t want everything they did just as much as Seungcheol did. “No you didn’t at all, please don’t worry about that.” 

“Good. That’s good to know,” he says slowly, eyes turned towards the table. He’s quite obviously trying to sort out his thoughts and Joshua gives him the time to do so. “So what now?”

“I don’t know.”

“I really like you,” he grimaces. “And I wouldn’t mind being just friends, but I think I might need a little break for now.” He looks at Joshua with his doe eyes and it takes everything in him to not just say whatever will make Seungcheol happy.

“I understand, I think that’s for the best as well.” He can’t even put into words how relieved he is about the suggestion. He absolutely couldn’t meet Seungcheol twice a week (or maybe even more often than that) while trying to get over whatever feelings he has for him (he’s still kind of convinced it’s a strange addiction). Quitting cold turkey is probably the only way he can actually get over this mess. 

Seungcheol nods awkwardly. “Okay, that’s good.”

“Yeah.”

“I need to get back to work,” he declares, glancing at his watch after another uncomfortable moment of silence. Joshua knows it’s most probably a lie, but he can’t be mad at Seungcheol when he wants to get out of this situation just as much. 

“I don’t wanna hold you up then.”

Seungcheol gets up and Joshua can already feel the ache in his chest, knowing that he’s gone now and won’t come back too soon. “Thank you for telling me how you feel,” he says and gives Joshua another half-hearted smile before gathering his stuff. “I’ll see you sometime.” 

“Yeah, see you,” Joshua agrees, running a hand through his hair before going back to his coffee. His hands are still shaking.

Seungcheol looks crestfallen when he walks out of the shop and Joshua has never felt more horrible in his life. 

This is the first time he’s ever had the ‘I’m not interested’ conversation with someone. He feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulder, the guilt that has been weighing him down for the past week finally gone, but at the same time, he can’t help but feel like he’s just made a horrible, horrible mistake. He wants to run after Seungcheol, take it all back and just _try_ this time, for Seungcheol and for himself. But he knows it’s irrational and also knows it’ll pass, he just needs to grow up and get over it. 

As soon as Seungcheol is out of sight, he pulls his phone out of his pocket and texts Jeonghan. _Can I join u for lunch? Rly need to talk to someone_

☐☐☐ 

He considers just going home after Jeonghan’s lunch break is over, he’s definitely amassed enough overtime to stay at home for the rest of the day and if he’s being honest he just wants to sleep for a very long time, but in the end he does go back to work. Soonyoung, who he shares his office with, asks him if he’s alright when he returns, but Joshua just shakes his head dismissively and gets to work. He crosses off seven tasks from the to-do list that he only ever touches when he absolutely has to and would love to stay distracted a little longer, but Jeonghan said he’d come over to talk more (something he definitely isn’t looking forward to) and so he leaves the office at seven.

“I’m not very hungry, but I ordered you a pizza. Wasn’t in the mood for cooking, sorry,” he explains once Jeonghan has sat down on the sofa, acting like he owns the place (which, considering how often he’s over, isn’t too far from the truth). 

“Have you eaten at all today?” Jeonghan asks, tilting his head and watching him intently. He pours each of them a glass of wine and pushes one into Joshua’s direction, signaling for him to drink.

He shrugs, reaching for his glass but not drinking yet. “Kind of lost my appetite in the process of realizing I’m a huge fucking asshole.” He tries to smile self-deprecatingly, but it turns out to look more like a grimace.

Jeonghan sighs deeply and places his wine glass on the table rather forcefully. “You’re not an asshole, Shua, stop saying that.”

“I mean, have you considered all the circumstances? Cause I feel like you’d come to the same conclusion in that case. Like, I’m a solid ten on the asshole scale and—”

“No,” he interrupts him calmly. “You’re scared and you never learned how to deal with that and you might’ve hurt Seungcheol but let’s not act like you didn’t hurt yourself the most with this, because you are hurt, Shua, and you need to at least admit it to yourself.”

He knows in his head that Jeonghan isn’t wrong. He is hurt, there’s no denying that, he just feels like he has absolutely no right to be when he made this decision himself. He made a choice and now he can’t deal with the consequences.

“I just, I don’t even get why I always end up doing this.” He shakes his head and looks out of the window. It’s dark outside and raining, too, just to tick off another point on the checklist of cliches.

“I think you do, but I understand it’s hard to admit it. You’ve carried this around with you for so long.”

Of course he does, he’s not stupid and even if it took him some time to figure it all out, he’s aware of the cause of his commitment phobia. He didn’t even need a therapist to explain it to him, but then again it wasn’t all that complicated once he finally admitted it to himself. 

“But I should be over it by now. I’m not the only person who had a shitty childhood, but other people seem to be able to get their shit together, why not me?” He knows why, because he’s embarrassing and weak and on top of that a horrible person. He _deserves_ to live like this, but other people don’t deserve having to deal with him constantly fucking everything up.

“People work through that sort of stuff differently. You found your way of dealing with it and it worked until now,” Jeonghan explains gently. “But it doesn’t seem to anymore, so don’t you think maybe it’s time to let it go now? I’ve watched you do this ever since we met and I never said anything because you seemed fine with it, but I don’t think pushing Seungcheol away just because you’re scared is going to make you happy this time.”

“I’m gonna be fine with it eventually,” he says stubbornly, picking at his nails. “I’m always fine in the end.”

“But you’re missing out on so much by doing this. I know you’ll be fine in the end, but are you happy like this?”

He shrugs. “Does it matter? I don’t think Seungcheol would want anything to do with me after this debacle anymore anyway and he doesn’t deserve it either, he can do so much better.”

“But that’s not your decision to make. Seungcheol is an adult and he can decide for himself what he wants and doesn’t want. A relationship—” Joshua _still_ flinches at that, “A relationship is about communication and taking into consideration what both of you want.”

“I don’t know what I want,” he admits quietly. He feels like such a fucking mess. He likes Seungcheol, he misses him although he saw him this morning, but he doesn’t know if that’s enough.

“Do you feel happy with the decision you made?”

“I don’t know... No, I don’t feel happy.”

“So don’t you have your answer then?” 

“Just because it’s not good like this doesn’t mean it would be better otherwise.”

“If you don’t try there’s no way of knowing, Shua. All I can tell you is that you’re not like your mom. I know you’re worried you’ll end up like her, but you’re a different person. You think she was weak back then, but have you ever considered how brave you have to be to allow yourself to love someone?”

He isn’t sure whether it’s brave or just foolish. How brave is it to give someone the power to destroy you completely? He promised himself to never end up like his mom, the way she completely gave up on herself after his dad left. He remembers all the nights he heard her crying in her bedroom, remembers having to beg her to eat something, working two jobs in high school because she couldn’t bring herself to get up and most of all he remembers promising himself to never allow himself to be this weak and useless. He didn’t understand then why people would _want_ to invite that sort of vulnerability into their lives, he still doesn’t fully understand. He knows though that other people do it, allow themselves to love, to be vulnerable. They also allow themselves to feel heartbreak, but they get up again, carry on, even fall in love again. 

He doesn’t know if it’s worth it. Seungcheol is the first person who’s truly made him question it. He came into his life and just took up such a big part in Joshua’s heart without ever asking him if he’s okay with it. 

“How would I even be with him? I’ve never done that before, I’d probably suck at it.”

Jeonghan chuckles quietly. “Practice makes perfect, and how will you know you’re bad at it if you don’t try? You’re loyal, considerate, funny, you care about people a lot, why wouldn’t you be good at this?”

“Shut up.” He can feel himself blushing, he feels weirdly embarrassed by the fact that Jeonghan thinks he might be a good boyfriend. 

“Just think about it. I won’t tell you what decision to make, but I want you to know that it’s okay to be scared. You just need to overcome your fears at some point, maybe not this time, but eventually.”

“I know that,” he mumbles. “It’s just not as easy as it seems.”

Jeonghan reaches for his hand and holds it tightly. “It’s never easy, but you deserve to be happy, Shua. Being scared has held you back for so long, maybe it’s time for a change.”

“I’m sorry for being such a loser,” he apologizes, running a hand over his face in an attempt to just wash all of it away.

“You’re not a loser. I love you.”

☐☐☐ 

He buries himself in work for the rest of the week, it’s the only thing distracting him from thinking about the mess he’s created. He returns to Jeonghan’s words more than he’d like to admit, mostly when he’s alone and it’s late, even more so when Jeonghan texts him and asks how he’s doing.

He doesn’t sleep very much and realizes he must look horrible when his boss suggests for him to leave early on Friday. It’s the last thing he wants to do, but he can’t find a good reason to refuse him either and so he finds himself on his sofa half an hour later. He deep cleans his bathroom, reorganizes his kitchen cupboards, catches up on the laundry from the past weeks and considers decluttering his wardrobe as well, but when he checks the time he realizes that it’s past ten already. 

When he gets into bed he is bone crushingly tired, the sleepless nights finally catching up on him. At the same time his brain just can’t turn off. He analyzes what must be at least a hundred different scenarios in which he asks Seungcheol for a second chance, all of them ending extremely badly (like, worse than the horror films he’s been watching all week badly). He knows most of it is probably unrealistic, but chances of either him or Seungcheol getting hurt are still high considering how many relationships go to shit literally all the fucking time.  
So Seungcheol is still an objectively bad choice, but he makes him happy right now and that counts, doesn’t it?

He wishes he could just go back in time and never even go to the fucking gym, never meet Seungcheol and never be confronted with his stupid fear of loving someone who will eventually leave him alone. He wishes he hadn’t broken his _only_ rule and just fucked Seungcheol that first day and then never talked to him again. He wishes for many things but most of all he wishes to make it all right, he just doesn’t know what that means anymore. 

He falls asleep late and wakes up at four in the morning, realizing that Seungcheol has now monopolized his dreams as well. He can’t put the dream together anymore when he’s fully awake, he just remembers Seungcheol being with him and feeling _truly_ happy about it. 

He holds out until the late afternoon, but by then there’s absolutely nothing left to do in his apartment. He has decluttered and reorganized his wardrobe, deep cleaned all the carpets, washed his bedding, hell he’s even cleaned the fridge, but the need to talk to Seungcheol stays overpowering and he’s just a weak and terrible human and so he pours himself a drink, downs it in one go and then gets his phone to text him. 

_I know we said we’d take a break, but I’d like to talk to you one more time. You can say no, just text me when you’re ready_

The relief he feels after sending the text is overwhelming. The ball is in Seungcheol’s court now, but he’s made a decision and just that fact alone makes it easier to breathe already.

☐☐☐ 

When Seungcheol finally opens the door to his apartment, Joshua has worried his bottom lip so hard he’s only seconds away from drawing blood. It’s one of his worst habits, but the only thing that can somewhat calm him down when he’s stressed.

“Hey,” he manages, trying to sound calm and not really succeeding. 

“Hi, come in.” Seungcheol steps aside to make space for Joshua. His face is unreadable which really isn’t helping the panic that’s bubbling in his chest. He has no idea how this is going to end, but he can’t worry about that right now. He’s already worried about whether he’ll be able to actually get the words he’s meticulously planned out in his head out, adding worrying about how Seungcheol’s going to react to that will surely lead him to a heart attack. 

“Do you want to drink something?” he asks once Joshua has taken off his coat and shoes. 

“No, thank you,” he replies, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment when Seungcheol doesn’t look. “Can we just talk?”

“Sure.” Seungcheol points at the sofa in a very modern looking living room. It looks exactly how Joshua imagined it to look, all gray and chrome and at the same time still looking like someone actually lives here. A little pug is quietly sleeping in the corner, not having noticed him yet. “Sit down.” 

Joshua does sit, sinks deeply into the sofa cushions to hide himself a little and then stares at his hands before taking a deep breath. He just wants to get this over with before he chickens out again.

“I wasn’t honest with you the last time we talked, when I said I’m not interested in you.” He’s said it now, there’s no taking it back.

“I’m not sure I understand?”

“I wish I could say I can explain, but uh, I don’t think I really can?” 

“Why are you here then, Joshua?” he asks, not impolite, just curious. 

“Because I—I’m scared I’m making a mistake,” he says after a long moment of silence. He laughs nervously, averting his eyes. 

Seungcheol watches him quietly, waiting for him to say more. The silence stretches far too long for it to still be comfortable.

“I guess you could say I have a problem with commitment,” he starts finally, voice shaking a bit because this is the first time he’s telling someone other than Jeonghan about this. “Although that’s probably a bit of an understatement.”

“Okay,” Seungcheol says, sounding a lot gentler now that Joshua has started talking. 

“It’s stupid and I should’ve gotten over it years ago, but I never really had any reason to.” He looks at Seungcheol and hopes he won’t make an absolute fool out of himself with what he’s about to say. “But then we met and it really freaked me out, because—uh, well, I like you a lot?” 

“It’s not stupid,” Seungcheol insists calmly and for a second it looks like he wants to reach out for Joshua’s hand. “I like you a lot as well, although that probably doesn’t really help with your commitment problem, does it?”

He laughs dryly. “Yeah, when I realized that it really freaked me out.” 

“So what made you come here then? Did you get over it?” Seungcheol watches him, searching for his eyes. 

“No, not really,” he admits. He hasn’t gotten over it and he isn’t sure he ever will, he’s just decided that he can’t let it dictate his life forever. “But I don’t want it to stop me anymore. I like you so much and although I’d totally understand if you never want to talk to me again and just stop this here, because, to be honest I’ve really messed this up big time and hurt you as well and—yeah, I’ve just overall been a pretty shitty person, wow, I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore—”

“Joshua,” Seungcheol intercepts him, placing a hand on his thigh and squeezing it gently. “Calm down, would you?” The corner of his mouth lifts up into a half smile.

“Yeah, totally, I’m really sorry.” 

“It’s fine, just help me understand this, please.” Seungcheol looks at him questioningly, his hand still on Joshua’s thigh and that’s _really_ distracting.

“I like you,” he blurts out, feeling heat shoot into his face immediately. _Really smooth_. 

Seungcheol doesn’t seem to mind, though, his smile gradually getting bigger. “I like you, too, nothing has changed there.”

“Oh.” He hadn't really taken that reaction into consideration beforehand, he’d been 99 percent sure Seungcheol would just tell him to go fuck himself. “Even after—?” he gestures with his hands.

“Yeah,” Seungcheol confesses. “Don’t get me wrong, it was super shitty of you and uh, I’ll probably need some time to get over that, you should’ve really just told me, I would’ve understood, but yeah, still like you.”

“Ah, that’s good.” 

“So what do you want to happen next?” he asks, gently kneading Joshua’s thigh and wow, he must be doing that on purpose to stop him from ever forming a logical thought again.

“I’m not sure. I mean, shouldn’t we date if we both like each other?” he questions and only notices how stupid that must’ve sounded when Seungcheol laughs out loud. His eyes crinkle very cutely and it reminds Joshua of how pretty he actually is. 

“Only if you want that. We don’t have to do anything though, for now, taking it slow is fine with me.” 

“No!” he exclaims a little too abruptly, waking up the dog. She just stares at them in annoyance before going back to sleep (Joshua doesn’t know all that much about dogs, but he’s pretty sure she isn’t made for the guard dog life, he doesn’t discriminate though). “I don’t wanna take it slow.”

Seungcheol watches him in amusement, mouth pouting in an effort to stop himself from smiling. “All right, no taking it slow then, I guess.” He runs his hand up and down Joshua’s thigh as if to emphasize his point. 

“I don’t wanna wait anymore,” Joshua admits, searching for eye contact. He leans in before his brain can truly catch up with what he’s doing and kisses Seungcheol. It’s just a press of the lips, he pulls back after a few seconds. “I’m sorry, I should’ve asked fir—”

He doesn’t get to complete his apology before Seungcheol cups his face and pulls him back in. His other hand finds the small of Joshua’s back which he caresses gently while their lips meet again and again. “Don’t apologize,” he murmurs against his mouth before deepening the kiss, running his tongue over Joshua’s bottom lip. His breath catches in his throat when he feels Seungcheol’s tongue exploring his mouth and he doesn’t want to _ever_ stop doing this, then he realizes that he probably doesn’t have to and kisses him back even harder than before. In the end he somehow finds himself getting pulled into Seungcheol’s lap, straddling him comfortably. When they run out of breath and are only panting against each other, he slowly pulls away. 

“Damn,” he chuckles. “This really wasn’t how I expected this to go.”

“Me neither to be honest,” Seungcheol admits, smiling before pecking his lips again. “Disappointed?” he asks with a grin.

“What do you think?” he replies, leaning his forehead against Seungcheol’s and just enjoying being this close to him. His heart is beating so fast he’s sure it’ll jump out of his chest soon, but at least right now he isn’t scared. He’s sure it’ll catch up with him eventually, but for the first time he feels hopeful that he’ll get through it together with Seungcheol.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Please let me know how you feel about this here or through my cc :)
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/neverthesame)


End file.
